Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been so lucky so earlier on in my life. I feel like I had so many really great experiences early on that all I do now is compare my life to them and wish I could be back in that time. Obviously, life doesn’t work that way and we have to move on. I have a hard time with that though, the whole moving on idea. Like with anything in life there has to be a certain balance between moving forward and forgetting. Just forgetting all of the bad things doesn’t really work either, I’ve tried that. Is it the theory or is it me? My first jump is to always think that it’s me, that something must be wrong with me.

Does anyone even read this?

It’s really hard to be in a group of people that don’t take you seriously. People that just screw with you all the time and expect you to be okay with it. Listen guys, I’m fragile. I’m not tough and I can’t keep up. I walk away because I don’t want you to see me blush, to see me hurt, to see me cry. My heart and mind do not have many modes of defense, and I am not good at keeping people out. 

I am far to willing to talk and to open up with people. I’m straightforward, and I can’t lie. Some people think that’s a good thing but other people take advantage of that. 

Maybe I’m just taking things too seriously, but what else am I to do? That’s me. No one seems to like me for just me. They like me for who they think I am and then once they get to know me they change their mind. No one wants a girl around who cares too much. No one wants someone around who actually believes in anything or stands up for anything or speaks their mind. 

So I guess I’ll just have to be content with not needing anyone in my life. Isn’t that part of Buddhism? I mean, they have a way of saying it so that it doesn’t sound quite so depressing, but I’m pretty sure that is part of it. Living alone, with no one to depend on you and no one that you need to depend on. I’m gonna give that a shot. Forget finding a husband, a friend, and roommate, a study buddy. All I need is myself right? The only person I need to depend on is me. But what happens when you feel like you can no longer depend on yourself? 

It’s scary. To try to rationalize or comprehend how this world is meant to work. To look any farther beyond them my snow globe of a world and to try to make sense of all of these feelings that I’m feeling. It makes me say words that I don’t like to hear. It makes me feel things that I don’t like to talk about.